Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
