I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
