How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Sober January is a disaster.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
