i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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