Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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