somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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