Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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