I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
