I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
