Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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