Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
