I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
