How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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