What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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