My liver just broke up with me...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize