my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also, beer. Big fan.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
