barbara walters just said penis...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
