Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
