So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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