So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize