this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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