It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
