i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
PANTIES FOUND
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