It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
