FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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