Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
