guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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