Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
