ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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