Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
