sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
