2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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