The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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