got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
