i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
