At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
