when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
