Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
