My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
