I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
