ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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