Banned from zoo.
Again?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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