Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
