You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I would ride that face into the sunset
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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