my phone needs a breathalizer
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
