some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Randomize
