i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
