I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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