So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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