Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
please don't ironically join a cult
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