Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
farters have to be the big spoon...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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