Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
