Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we're making bets on your personal life
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Randomize
