I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
this hospital has no fireball
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I need a beard to bite.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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