I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
