I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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