that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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