my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Houston, we have a squirter
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
